"Following" by The Bangles

You think I'm crazy or something
Always following you around
You say I'm a hopeless case
Run an obsession into the ground

You call me a loser
You call me a shadowing fool
Look over your shoulder
And you say I'm haunting you

So why do you call me
Why do you look for me
Why do your eyes follow me the way they do

You hold me responsible
Yeah, so I stand accused
Of causing all the trouble
After high school
Between him and you

You call me a loser
You call me a shadowing fool
But I was a good girl
Yeah, 'til you taught me
What it means to be true

Why do you call me
I know you look for me
Why do your eyes follow me the way they do


My current song obsession. Download this song. It's slow and a bit depressing, but one you can just put on repeat.

The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type:
Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental
(The Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic Personality Disorders)

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)
Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"
Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"


Profile Summary for the Enneagram Type Four

Healthy: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate. / Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong. At Their Best: Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.

Average: Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination. / To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings. / Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function. / Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them. / Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely.

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer".

Examples: Ingmar Bergman, Alan Watts, Sarah McLachlan, Alanis Morrisette, Paul Simon, Jeremy Irons, Patrick Stewart, Joseph Fiennes, Martha Graham, Bob Dylan, Miles Davis, Johnny Depp, Anne Rice, Rudolph Nureyev, J.D. Salinger, Anaîs Nin, Marcel Proust, Maria Callas, Tennessee Williams, Edgar Allan Poe, Annie Lennox, Prince, Michael Jackson, Virginia Woolf, Judy Garland, "Blanche DuBois" (Streetcar Named Desire).


Hmm, funny that Smurfy and I got the same one. And also, this profile.......definitely me. I don't think people would believe me if I told them of some of the stuff that goes on in my head. I think it would freak the hell out of people, most certainly my family, and they'd think I'd need counseling. Which they probably already do because of the Buffy thing and how I'm online all the time. I guess it really all comes down to putting up a front for people so they don't really know what's going on with you. We all just want to be received and well liked by others in the end so we do whatever is necessary to make that happen.

Now that I've depressed everyone.......I'm gonna go eat some of my mom's super delicious home made spaghetti sauce, with spaghetti noodles of course, get ready for Buffy and my other tv programs, and then go play my new Xbox game. I bought Medal of Honor yesterday. It kicks so much ass. Although they shot some sort of rocket at me and killed me! No fair! I was almost at the end of the particular mission too. Bastards. Damn those Nazis! They're going down later tonight. :-)

Ok, I'm gonna start posting details about the trip. It might be slow in coming since I have a yard sale this weekend we're trying to get ready for, but I'll update this as fast as I can. I'm thinking you can expect links to pictures next week sometime, when I get a chance to scan them all in. And I'm using Nar's fantabulous recap as a guide for myself, since my memory has holes in it like Swiss Cheese.

Friday: Well, I was awake at 2:30 AM to be able to leave my house by 4 and make sure I got to the airport in plenty of time. I thought check in was going to take forever, but as it turns out, Delta has some sort of automated check in thing now if you bought and e-ticket. So I scanned my credit card and out pops my boarding passes. Took all of 5 minutes, so, my mom and I went and got breakfast at the Burger King in the airport. We hung around until about 6 something, then I got onto the monorail thing to take me over to the boarding gates. I get into Atlanta, go over to the other gate to catch my connecting flight. So, we start to board and we have to actually go outside. It was friggin cold out in Atlanta. It was only about 8:30 AM, and here I was walking up the planes stairs. Glad I had my jacket. The plane from Atlanta to Islip was tiny, holding maybe 70 people max. Kind of cramped, but not too bad.

So, I get into Long Island and I walk out to go find Reg and her mom. We had decided on a meeting place the night before when I had called Nar and Reg. Reg said she'd be wearing all black, and let me tell you, that tidbit of information surprised me. NOT. Anyway, she said her mom would be in black too and they'd be in front of this sailboat thing. So I walk that way, and I was positive I walked by them, but Reg didn't see me I think, and I didn't want to go "Hey! Are you Nicole?" since her mom thinks we knew each other when I went to school there for a semester. Heh. So, I go to a pay phone to call my mom and tell her I'm there. Anyway, Reg and I see each other, we're like hey, we all decide that we had indeed walked by each other. We get my luggage and Reg's mom takes us to the train station. As Nar already said, she'd had a flat tire, so she couldn't get to the airport. So we all decided to meet at this big 3D mural thing in Penn Station. Nar called Reg's cell while we were on the train and we all figured we'd be getting to Penn around the same time. So Reg and I go to the mural thing and wait. And wait. And wait some more. And still no Nar. By this time, I figure one of us is at the wrong place. Finally Nar calls Reg's cell and we're like where are you. She happened to be standing like 10 feet from us. It was funny.

So we go get on the train to take us back to Nar's. We get off at the train stop by her house and then the parking lot ordeal happened. It's funny now, but then it wasn't because it was freezing. So we finally get to her house and holy crap. Nar don't get embarassed, but jesus! Her house is huge! She had told me it was big but I was still unprepared. My whole house could probably fit in her basement. So, we get into the house, she takes us on a tour. Then we did gift exchange. I got Nar HP bookends and Nar and I got Reg a set of Farscape DVDs each. Nar got me an Aisha doll, which for those of you that don't know is the kind of Neopet I have, a book that's got wisdom from a Bulldog and the Dixie Chicks CD. Ignore what I wrote about the book earlier. I got it confused with the one Kristin gave me for graduation. Whee!! Reg got me the new Tori Amos CD and this little jewelry box. I love presents! I'd tell you what she got Nar, but I forget cause I suck. So then we ordered some Chinese cause we were starving and sat down to watch Farscape. And then we went to bed.

Saturday: To let everyone know, I am not a morning person. I think it's ungodly to have to get up before noon. Reg, on the other hand, is up with the rooster, I swear. It's just wrong. Nar isn't a morning person either. So she and I get up around 11 or 12 I guess and Reg had already been awake for several hours. We were planning on going to see The Two Towers this day but not until late afternoon, so we showered and ate some breakfast. Then they had me drag out the videos I had brought up with me of me and my intramural softball team playing, my roommate Babita's dance recital thing, and my house. So we watched those, which weren't exciting in my opinion, but that could be because I live them everyday. Although I did go stupid every time I saw my dog on the videos. He's just so adorable! Aww. Anyway. We watched the last new ep of Btvs because I hadn't seen it. I had forgotten to set up my tape while I was gone studying for a final with my friend Kurt. I was so upset that I had missed it, but thankfully Nar had it on tape. We watch that then head out to go see The Two Towers.

Now, I'd had kind of a headache all day, but I had taken some tylenol and I was hoping it would go away. It didn't. And the headache also was not helped by this woman in the theater that had put on an entire bottle of perfume. So by halfway through the movie, I had a really bad migraine and I was feeling nauseous because my head hurt so bad. And I fell asleep. Yes, I fell asleep during TTT, but I really felt like crap. And to prove my case, I got sick as soon as we got back to Nar's. So I decided to lay down and nap for a while because that tends to make the headaches go away for me. Not sure what Reg and Nar did while I slept, so you should read Nar's recap to see. But I do know they ate chips and salsa, which I LOVE. Mmmmm. How do I know this? When I woke up, I went down to the basement where we watched all the Farscape stuff on Nar's projector screen. And I smelt the chips and salsa about 2 seconds after I got down there. I have a keen sense of smell when it comes to food. So then we went back upstairs and ate leftover Chinese. I tried General Tsao's Chicken for the first time, and I have to say, that's my new favorite chinese dish. Mmmm. Then we went back down and watched more Farscape. We watched Farscape every night. Since I had napped, I wasn't as tired and I saw all the eps while Nar and Reg fell asleep on the couches. I had never seen any of these eps, so it was great to see them.

Arrg, blogger deleted this, so posting again. My sister's boyfriend and his roommate were arguing over which type of government exists in pimp society. Here's their chat transcript. It's hysterical. Read it, weigh in on your choice. :-)

Cmmsplace: Man you are just full of dates lately. Last night with IT'S PAT!, tonight with ROBIN HOOD'S GIRLFRIEND, and recently with THE HOMOSEXUAL.
The 4th HM: I know. I'm such a pimp.
Cmmsplace: Pimps don't have dates, stupid.
The 4th HM: Yes they do. When they're not selling them.
The 4th HM: I sell pat on the street corner for dirt cheap when I'm not having dates with him.
The 4th HM: Aaron loves a bit of mantang from pat. He pays big.
Cmmsplace: Who would date a pimp? They just take the women they want....its anarchy.
Cmmsplace: A barbarian society
The 4th HM: Yes, it is. And I'm the king of the pimps
The 4th HM: I'm Pimpy McPimpenheimer.
Cmmsplace: There is no king in anarchy dumbass, that would make it a monarchy.
The 4th HM: If it's a barbarian society, it's not anarchy.
Cmmsplace: Sure it is, survival of the fittest.....which eventually after time would turn into an aristocracy.
The 4th HM: Anarchy, by definition, is an absence of any form of political authority. If it's a barbarian society, it's presemed they're the ones in charge of said society. No one said barbarians are stupid.
Cmmsplace: Barbaric as in fighting, taking what one wants for ones self....not necessarily a selective group of BARBARIANS ruling the others.
The 4th HM: Still, that's something, that's not anarchy.
Cmmsplace: As in a post-appocalliptic world where no government rules (anarchy) and people kill others for what they want (barbarianism).
The 4th HM: Being a pimp isn't that. Being a pimp has strict guidelines. There's certainly an order behing it all. Pimps have underlings, and territories.
The 4th HM: Just like countries. or feudal city-states.
Cmmsplace: How does it have strict guidelines? If you look at groups of pimps in that respect then it would be like an aristocracy with some owning property and others owning other property. However, what goes on for the pimps themselves would be anarchy because there would be no one governing them to take what they wanted (women).
The 4th HM: Who says women aren't property in a pimp society? In medival times women were sometimes no more then a personal commodity. In the middle east, they have no rights at all, and can even be put to death if their husband wishes. Pimps, on that note, treat their women (ie, bitches), much better then any of these people do. They're just property. Like land (teritories), or cars, or cash.
Cmmsplace: Well even so, in an anarchy whose to say that you only take food or people or something, you could take land or money.
The 4th HM: CDS Massive: its a social order like socialism
The 4th HM: Why socialism?
CDS Massive: becuase everyone gets everything equally ;-)
Cmmsplace: lol
The 4th HM: They could, but there are consiquences if you do. You can't take food or land from a neighboring pimp because he'd wage war on you.
Cmmsplace: War is a barbaric solution.
The 4th HM: It's an aristocracy. They have vassals, and servants who pay tribute.
Cmmsplace: Who would the vassals and servants be?
The 4th HM: The pimp running said territory would be the king. The other pimps and drug dealers working for him would be his vassals, and hoes his servants.
Cmmsplace: You are making it a monarchy again...which its not.
The 4th HM: How is it not a monarchy?
Cmmsplace: There is no king. The pimps are all in the same land.
The 4th HM: Then it's controlled communism, in the same vein as russia was.
Cmmsplace: Russia is a big land of pimps?
The 4th HM: ..Uh, yes. That's all that is in russia. Pimps, hoes and snow.
Cmmsplace: How is it communism? I don't think the hoes want to be out there.
The 4th HM: So what? They're just property
Cmmsplace: Yeah but you were saying in a true communist societ(not Russia as you forementioned) that they would be continually shared among the other pimps. Therefore your Russian annology is flawed.
The 4th HM: How is it flawed?
Cmmsplace: If they are property shared by all much like houses, then it would be a pure communist society which is not like Russia.
The 4th HM: based on your example, they were communist. They aren't. It's a monarchy. Or in some extreme situations, an aristocracy.
Cmmsplace: WHAT THE HELL I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! Your example was the one of communism and now you are switching it to a monarchy which I believe it is not. A "Master Pimp" as it were does not exist, he is purely propaganda created by the Taliban.
The 4th HM: How is the Taliban involved in this? It isn't! There is always someone in charge!
Cmmsplace: The Taliban is always involved.
The 4th HM: Aw snap.
The 4th HM: I'm asking Shearer about this on Friday.
Cmmsplace: Good!
The 4th HM: Fine!
Cmmsplace: I like arguing with you when I should be reading.
The 4th HM: I don't like it. Ass hat.
Cmmsplace: Atleast im not a Top Ass Hat.
The 4th HM: That would be LBJ. or Robin Hood.
Cmmsplace: No, that would be you.
The 4th HM: Robin Hood, my friend. He's the Top Ass Hat.
Cmmsplace: Ok.
The 4th HM: Yup
Cmmsplace: He may be the Top Ass Hat, but he is by no means a fuck up like you.
The 4th HM: I fixed my fucked up ways.
Cmmsplace: You shall still be a fuck up in my books.
The 4th HM: Then you can't use my books.
The 4th HM: HA HA HA
Cmmsplace: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111
Cmmsplace: I am asking Mary's sister about it.
The 4th HM: They will all agree with me.
The 4th HM: and so will Shearer, mark my words.

Heh. So, what do you think? Leave me a comment with you answer. I'm personally going with tyranny. And a real update is coming soon, including a trip play by play. :-)

And Chris' roommate, who was the other one participating in this discussion has kindly asked me to add his email to the end of this post so, as he put it "all the fine hoes out there can come to be servants of mine, under my totally awesome monarchy." So, if you'd enjoy that, email him at cwitten@fit.edu His name is Carroll. I'm sure he'll get lots of emails. ;-)

Testing to see if this works. Liss got a blog and she's having problems, so I want to see if Blogger is being stupid again.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only a few hours! I know everyone is jealous. ;-)

I'm going to bed cause I have to get up in 2 hours to get ready to go to the airport, but I wanted to say I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and has a very Happy New Year. There will be lots of pictures for everyone to see once I get back.

And I had a good Christmas. Ok, bed now. Talk to everyone in a week!

I have had such a busy week. I took my two finals. I got a 100 on my Viking final so I got a B+ in the class. Woo! I think I did pretty well on my Reformation Europe final too. I should get an A in there hopefully. I'll know tomorrow night when grades come out.

After my last final on Thursday night, me, Kristin, and my other friend Anna went out. Anna and I went to dinner and then I went to get Kristin and we took the bus downtown to Anna's apartment, since I knew I wouldn't be in any shape to drive after. I'd already had 2 Strawberry Margarita's at Chili's, then at Anna's I had a rum and coke. Then we went to Market Street, where they give you 2 free drinks with the cover charge. So I had a rum and coke and a beer. I always have such a hard time trying to decide what to drink. Kristin and Anna drug me out onto the dance floor because I DO NOT dance. EVER. Kristin of course was surrounded by guys, but I did get danced with anyway. The this like mid 30s Indian guy hit on me. Thank god Anna had me "go to the bathroom" with her. It was a good excuse. He was nice enough I guess, but I mean mid 30s. Much too old for me.

Then Kristin came running after us because we had left her. Lol. I thought she was having a good time with the million guys vying for her attention, which she was mostly, but some were getting a bit too excited if you know what I mean. So we left there after I had a second beer and went to the cowboy club in town, 8 Seconds. It was pretty cool actually. Not really any cowboy people. I had another rum and coke and then I got hit on by the like one guy there in cowboy clothing that had buck teeth with gaps. *sigh* I suppose I should be happy I got hit on, but why couldn't they have been at least semi attractive? I did have a good time though.

Friday I packed up the rest of my stuff and moved out of the dorm. My RA was retarded and hadn't put out the right sheet for graduating seniors to sign up for check out on, so he wasn't there when I needed to check out. He thought I was coming back. Idiot. So a different RA had to check me out. That night, me, mom, sis, grandma, Kristin, and my aunt and uncle all went out to dinner at this really really good Italian restaurant in Ocala. They had decorated the table with gator color stuff. It was nice. And the food was soooo good. I got a nice check from my aunt and uncle, Kristin bought me a Florida Alumni shirt and bumper sticker, and this book. Remember that Baz Luhrmann song called Suncreen from a few years ago? That's essentially what it was, has lots of cool advice quote things in it. My sister gave me earrings, which broke when I went to put them in. She was pissed so we returned them today and she bought me a purse to take to NY instead.

Graduation was Saturday. It was long and boring, but kind of cool. I still don't think it's hit me yet. I'll be posting some pictures later once I do some fixing to the ones from our digital camera, we get the ones from my sister's camera developed, and my aunt sends me the ones she took with her digital.

So here comes the graduation/dad rant. I had told my dad back in November that Saturday the 21st was graduation. He said he wouldn't miss it. So I sent him directions to the O'Connell Center on campus, where it was being held. I called him at dinner on Friday to make sure he got the directions and to tell him I'd meet him outside of Gate 2 after to get pictures. As soon as I got off the phone with him, I told my sister I bet he wasn't coming. So, she gets a message on her phone at 9:20 from him, saying he had broke his glasses at like 3 AM and when he went out to his truck to get tape to fix them, saw he had a flat and they didn't have a spare so he couldn't come. First, that's the worst excuse I've EVER heard in my life. Second, he obviously waited until after 9 AM to call her phone so he wouldn't have to talk to anyone because he knew graduation started at 9. It's not like he just saw at 9 that he had a flat because they were going to drive up from Clearwater in the morning. Since Gainesville is 2 and a half hours away, they would have had to leave by about 5:30 AM because they didn't let people into the building after 8:30.

He pulled this shit at my sister's high school graduation. He didn't show up and gave some lame ass excuse that he had to work late that day. First of all, he's a school bus driver, and school was OUT the day of her graduation. Second, even if he had been driving the bus, his route ends at about 4 at the latest. Her graduation wasn't until 6. He really pissed me off when he did that to her. A lot. I think I was more angry than she was. And now he did it to me. I'm not hurt, because frankly, he hasn't been there our whole lives. I really don't care about him at all. I'm just pissed that he pretended that he was coming and then when he doesn't, is a chicken about telling me he wasn't going to come. Be a fucking man Dad, instead of the coward you are. He could have told me on Friday night when I talked to him, but he didn't. And yet, I still knew he wouldn't come. And for me and my sister, this was the last straw. We're done with him. He won't ever know when Mary graduates from college, he won't be invited to our weddings, we won't take any of his phone calls. He doesn't exist for me as of this moment.

So now that I've depressed everyone, here's a happy thought. Since it's night time now, I'm not counting the rest of this day. 3 days left until I leave! Whee!!!!!!!!!! I'm so very excited. But I have so much crap to do before then. Mainly washing clothes. My room is currently filled with boxes and I have about zero walking space, so I won't be able to get to putting that stuff away before I leave. No time. My aunt and uncle are coming over tomorrow night for out yearly Christmas dinner/gift exchange thing. I love Christmas and getting gifts. :-) Yes, that was my selfish moment. But I like giving stuff too. Seeing the look on people's faces when they open your gift is pretty cool. I'll probably do one last entry on Thursday night before I leave. And since this is about book length, I'm done.